It’s been 2 months. And things are supposed to be getting better. But I feel just as lost and angry today, if not more, than I did back in October. It’s just that now- people expect you to be back to yourself. They aren’t anticipating that you are on the verge of breaking down when they ask an impersonal and uninterested question like “how was your weekend”. I feel like no one wants to hear the real answer anymore. I can see it in their eyes. —- Ok fine it stinks that you lost your dad- but it’s time to move on and get with the program, and oh by the way, can you tell me about patient X-Y-Z.—

It just makes me want to scream.

I get it that life goes on. It has to. Even in our house we are moving on and doing the next thing on persistently our over-scheduled calendar. With three demanding and growing children you have no choice. Nor would I want to hold them back at all or prevent them from enjoying this time of year. But in many ways I feel as if I am just going through the motions right now. Maybe some time soon when I rotate off clinical service and get my life back I can share my collection of fall/winter pictures for the various activities and milestones with the kids. In the mean time- here is a quick photo of Kinley @6 months with a face full of carrots.

I feel like I am putting so much expectation on that golden time when I will get “off service” – I truly hope that it turns out to be everything I think it will be.

But this year, it’s just not so clear.

I just feel cheated.

My dad was supposed to make the smoked turkey and gravy (which I wouldn’t eat, but that’s beside the point). He was supposed the be puttering around it the kitchen for way too long saying “Rah, when you make gravy, first you have to make the roux”. I am pretty sure he said that exact phrase to me every year for the past 30 years. And I would nod my head and help to stir the roux while he hurried about, checking on the smoked turkey and making 2-3 different versions of stuffing (including a vegetarian one for me). This year, on Thanksgiving I found myself standing in front of the stove at my Aunt Jane’s house helping to stir a pot for a “reduction” while my Uncle Ray ran around perfecting the smoked turkey and trimmings. A reduction seems to be similar to a roux- but it’s not the same. No one said the word “roux” or called me “Rah”.

My aunt and uncle bent over backwards putting on a beautiful feast for our family yesterday. It was really touching. But through the entire afternoon, my head was throbbing and I just wanted to scream.

This just isn’t right!! How can we do something so “normal” like have Thanksgiving without my dad?

Boycotting the holidays all together has crossed my mind many times over the past few weeks. Every time I see Christmas decorations or advertisements I roll my eyes and grumble about how I am not interested. But at the same time, I am torn. I hate the idea of skipping out on these magical times for my children. I know they won’t be young forever. As frustrating as it is to me, they really have no concept of how everyone in our immediate family is suffering.

So for now- I guess I will continue to go through the motions and try to remember that despite my family’s huge loss and suffering, we do still have much to be thankful for.

It has been a little over a month.  In some ways it feels like so much more time has past.  Our lives and our world has changed so much in these past days, how could it possibly have been only short five weeks?  In other ways, I feel like I am still stuck in the same blurry, horrific day.  And while I wish I could block it all out- every moment from that day is etched into my mind like a bad record.  Where I was and what I was doing when my phone rang, the scared voice on the other end- telling me I needed to come home immediately.  My disbelief.  The police officers in my parent’s drive way- looking at me with a vacant, knowing stare.  Sitting with my mom and sister and coming completely undone.  How can this be happening?  Like a strange scene out of a movie- where everything is in slow-motion, and every sound is amplified to grotesque proportions.  I’ve never experienced anything like this before.  And while I have always thought of myself as living life to the fullest and experiencing everything life has to offer- I find myself now cycling through the most intense emotions I have ever experienced.  It makes every other moment of my life pale in comparison. It is all so real- so raw.

Everywhere I look I see my dad.  He was such a magnanimous part of my life.  I hear his voice and all of his silly phrases with virtually everything I do.  Sometimes it makes me smile, or laugh out loud.  But most of the time, it catches me, and I feel my eyes well up with tears.  If I am around a group of people, I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying- but when I am alone I don’t even bother. 

I have so many wonderful memories that I hope I can someday pull it together to write about.  What I don’t have is any regrets.  Only a deep sadness that I have lost a man who meant the world to me.

Home by Michael Buble

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
‘Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

I miss you Daddy.

“Save It For a Rainy Day”

by The Jawhawks

————————————————————–

Pretty little hairdo don’t do what it used to
Can’t disguise the living
All the miles that you’ve been through
Looking like a train wreck

Wearing too much makeup
The burden that you carry
Is more than one soul could ever bear

Don’t look so sad, Marina
There’s another part to play
Don’t look so sad, Marina
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day

You never make your mind up
Like driving with your eyes shut
Rough around the edges
Won’t someone come and take you home

Waiting for a breakthrough
What will you set your mind to?
We stood outside the Chinese restaurant
in the rain

Don’t look so sad, Marina
There’s another part to play
Don’t look so sad, Marina
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day

Admittedly- it is my own fault that I haven’t taken the time to work on it.  But it’s hard to break away from these three monkeys!!!

Over Labor Day weekend we made the trek up to North Carolina to visit Dave’s grandfather and cousins/aunts/uncles.  None of them have met Miss Kinley yet- so she was certainly the center of attention.  We also celebrated Dave’s grandfather’s birthday.  He wasn’t feeling very good that day- but he played along for a while.

Aunt Janet always has a smile on her face though…

Tee and PaPa are really proud grandparents!!

When we left North Carolina, we drove to Tee and Papa’s house for the night in order to break up the trip.  Bryson just loves to drag out all of the “new toys” that we keep at their house.  It’s like Christmas every time we go over there!  The next morning, we headed south for a Labor Day celebration at my mom’s house.  The weather was iffy, so she set up all of the tables on the car port.

Apparently I missed the memo that I was supposed to wear blue that day!!

And speaking of blue- wow, Bryson’s eyes are SO blue!

After lunch, the kids and the daddies went swimming.  Sawyer has finally decided that he likes the water- at the end of the summer. Oh well- there’s always next year.

Jayna was getting some super sweet smiles from Kinley.  I love those gummy, baby smiles!!!

This year, our family decided to celebrate all of the August/September birthdays together while we were at the beach.  With so many birthdays so close together- it just seemed to make sense.  So basically, in one week, we had FIVE birthday parties.  You would think that by the end of it, we would be really good at singing Happy Birthday.  You would think. 

The house that we rented was directly across the street from the water and it was perfect!  Screened in porch, huge deck with Adirondack chairs, private pool, lots of space…seriously, it was perfect!

Sunrise…

We celebrated dad’s birthday first- and mom fixed a yummy pasta dish and some amazing smores bars.  I have never had anything so yummy…

Trish’s birthday was next and we enjoyed a Mexican fiesta- complete with Sangria and 3 candles on her cookie cake!

Each kid got to pick their own theme/activity for their party day. 

Julianna’s day was first, and she chose a Make-up Tea Party.  So the ladies all worked to make little tea-party sandwiches and treats.  Everyone got dressed up and we listened to ultra girlie “tea-party music”.  Afterwards, we played musical chairs and those who were willing had their nails painted (by Julianna) and fancy make-up put on.  It was quite the production!  We made Bryson’s make-up look like a super hero, complete with a blue mask and a lightening bolt.

Miss Kinley was all smiles in her little tea party dress.

For Bryson’s birthday, we did tie-dye and water balloon games.  Dave and I filled up 200 water balloons for a water balloon fight.  What a blast!  We also played a game sort of like Hot Potato, but with the timer goes off the water balloon explodes on you! 

Unfortunately, the dye from the tie-dying made quite a big mess. But the shirts sure turned out awesome!

Little John wanted to do a scavenger hunt for his birthday, so we split everyone up into teams and sent them out onto the island/beach with a list of clues.  Each team had to take pictures of the items on their list and email them to John’s email account.  In the end we made a slide show of all the photos and voted on the “winning team”. 

In between all of the parties, we spent a ton of time in the pool and out on the beach, playing in the waves and the sand.  We went bike riding, played at the park, had movie night, read books etc…

Yes- that is Sawyer, playing in the ocean while fully clothed- and absolutely loving it.  What a stinker!

Basically it was an action packed fun (and exhausting) vacation.  By the end of it- we were all ready for a nap!

Can’t wait to go back to St George Island!!!

I know I am no where near to the point where my children’s ages will make me feel “old”- but I still cannot believe that we have a FIVE year old little boy.  Incredible!  And what a cool kid he is too!! 

Always smiling, endless imagination, loves being a big brother…most of the time.  Willling to try most new things, always has something (OK- more like a million things) to say, loves to read, loves legos and building things, loves superheros (none in particular, just ask long as he can throw the words super douper douper in front of their name), claims he wants to be a doctor some say so he can “be in the hospital with mommy” (I’m trying to not let the guilt of that one sting too much- after all it is a sweet idea). Loves giving hugs and always wants to play with my hair…

Here are a few of my other favorite pictures of Bryson from the past few months.  Happy Birthday B!!

Perhaps I need one of these superheros to come help me get it all together!!

Or better yet- this little Diva who clearly has it all put together. Except for the fact that her swim suit is red and her sun hat is pink… but hey- I hear that mis-matched is a cool new fad for kids.

I guess you could say I am excited .  Waiting until the end of the summer for our vacation was primarily my own doing.  It just seemed too risky to plan a vacation with a baby who was supposed to be here the first of July.  So we have all waited- patiently for 3 months to get out there.  But it is time!!  And this time around- I am going to do everything in my power to stay out of the ER.  YES- 3 of our last 4 beach getaways have resulted in a visit to the hospital (Bryson with his asthma, Trish falling down the stairs, the infamous Kinley debut!).  But this trip will be without any medical drama!  And just to be sure, I am going to pack my emergency suture kit (yet another thing we will have to stuff in to the Prius). <wink>

In the mean time- here are some pictures of the fam. from last weekend.  We had a fun visit to the Atlanta Zoo with our friends Carrie and Ryan and their boys.  Bryson and Harrison thought they were big stuff riding on the train alone!  The train barely goes 5 MPH, but both of the boys were holding on like they had just started off on a roller coaster. 

Getting to see the new baby giraffe was definitely the highlight for me and Dave.  This “little” guy is only 3 weeks old.  CRAZY!

Sawyer’s highlight of the weekend was playing with the farm animals in the petting zoo.  I should have taken a video of him- because he was literally skipping from one animal to the next he was so excited!!

And clearly, Kinley loved her relaxing swim in the neighborhood pool.  You may not believe this- but she is floating in this picture.  All I was doing was supporting her head with 2 fingers. 

Sawyer is thinking about auditioning for the sequel to the Smurfs…

Because we are crazy and like to keep our lives “interesting”, Dave and I decided to load the family up into the Prius and drive to Baton Rouge last weekend to see my grandfather for his 95th birthday.  As a side bar, now that we are cramming fitting 5 people into it, the Prius has been affectionately renamed by my husband as the clown car (ahem, hello, it gets 45 miles to the gallon…so the only one laughing is me- as I drive past the gas station!).

But despite our “gas sipping” vehicle, we still managed to visit just about every gas station between here and Louisiana.  Seriously. 

For some reason, Sawyer decided this was the perfect weekend to test out potty training.  So every 20 minutes or so, he would announce (in his own special language) that he needed to stop.  Not wanting to discourage his effort, Dave and I would then oblige and pull off the highway in search of a potty.  It made for a very. long. journey.  V . E . R . Y .  We must have stopped 15 times.  It felt like I was walking a dog, who wanted to mark his territory on every fire hydrant.  But he was successful 90% of the time- so it was worth it.  I think.

Most frustrating however was the fact that as soon as we arrived at our destination, he went right back to peeing in his diaper.  ACK!!!

While in BR, we stayed with my cousin Andy and Danielle and their new baby, Jude.  Its amazing- Jude is only 7 weeks older than Kinley- but the difference between them right now is remarkable. 

Andy and Danielle also have a rather large (ok, she is the size of a horse) dog named Penelope.  Sawyer was obsessed with her.  Maybe that is why he forgot all about his potty training progress!!

My grandfather turned 95 this summer, which is crazy to even think about.  Unfortunately, his health has been ailing- as he is almost blind and deaf at this point.  That makes for very challenging communicating.  We tried to show him Dave’s iPad as a potential electronic reading device, but I am not sure that it caught on for him.  Still- I like this photo for the juxtaposition of the 95 year old holding the electronic gizmo, with the 2 year old gazing up at him with curiosity. 

We also enjoyed a lot of time visiting with cousins and playing by the pool and Andy and Danielle’s house.  Check out Allen and Bryson climbing on this cool spider web thing…

I am not sure what Lily and Sawyer were telling each other- but it must have been really funny!

The little babies got to test out their swimming skills also.  This was Jude’s first exposure to swimming- and I think he really liked it!  Kinley has already been thrown into the pool once or twice, so she basically just slept through it this time.

Ahhhh- Life is so hard when you are a baby!!