Staying afloat

I haven’t managed to write anything in a few days. Not because I don’t have anything to say. I do. In fact I am overwhelmed with emotion and things that I want to talk about but don’t know how.

It’s been 2 months. And things are supposed to be getting better. But I feel just as lost and angry today, if not more, than I did back in October. It’s just that now- people expect you to be back to yourself. They aren’t anticipating that you are on the verge of breaking down when they ask an impersonal and uninterested question like “how was your weekend”. I feel like no one wants to hear the real answer anymore. I can see it in their eyes. —- Ok fine it stinks that you lost your dad- but it’s time to move on and get with the program, and oh by the way, can you tell me about patient X-Y-Z.—

It just makes me want to scream.

I get it that life goes on. It has to. Even in our house we are moving on and doing the next thing on persistently our over-scheduled calendar. With three demanding and growing children you have no choice. Nor would I want to hold them back at all or prevent them from enjoying this time of year. But in many ways I feel as if I am just going through the motions right now. Maybe some time soon when I rotate off clinical service and get my life back I can share my collection of fall/winter pictures for the various activities and milestones with the kids. In the mean time- here is a quick photo of Kinley @6 months with a face full of carrots.

I feel like I am putting so much expectation on that golden time when I will get “off service” – I truly hope that it turns out to be everything I think it will be.