Being “Thankful”

I have always loved all of the holidays. I’m not sure if Thanksgiving is my favorite- but it’s definitely up there. Last year’s Thanksgiving was a bitter sweet time as my family gathered together to celebrate the life of my 91 year old grandmother (Bonmother) who passed away 5 days before the holiday. And while we were all clearly saddened by her loss, we could certainly appreciate that she had enjoyed a wonderful, full life and moving on from this world was in many ways a blessing for her.

But this year, it’s just not so clear.

I just feel cheated.

My dad was supposed to make the smoked turkey and gravy (which I wouldn’t eat, but that’s beside the point). He was supposed the be puttering around it the kitchen for way too long saying “Rah, when you make gravy, first you have to make the roux”. I am pretty sure he said that exact phrase to me every year for the past 30 years. And I would nod my head and help to stir the roux while he hurried about, checking on the smoked turkey and making 2-3 different versions of stuffing (including a vegetarian one for me). This year, on Thanksgiving I found myself standing in front of the stove at my Aunt Jane’s house helping to stir a pot for a “reduction” while my Uncle Ray ran around perfecting the smoked turkey and trimmings. A reduction seems to be similar to a roux- but it’s not the same. No one said the word “roux” or called me “Rah”.

My aunt and uncle bent over backwards putting on a beautiful feast for our family yesterday. It was really touching. But through the entire afternoon, my head was throbbing and I just wanted to scream.

This just isn’t right!! How can we do something so “normal” like have Thanksgiving without my dad?

Boycotting the holidays all together has crossed my mind many times over the past few weeks. Every time I see Christmas decorations or advertisements I roll my eyes and grumble about how I am not interested. But at the same time, I am torn. I hate the idea of skipping out on these magical times for my children. I know they won’t be young forever. As frustrating as it is to me, they really have no concept of how everyone in our immediate family is suffering.

So for now- I guess I will continue to go through the motions and try to remember that despite my family’s huge loss and suffering, we do still have much to be thankful for.