What To Say

It’s strange.  I have always loved writing on this blog.  It has been a fun outlet to share all of the joys of my family with those who are a little bit further away. It has also served as a nice journal to look back on years later to see what we were up to at certain times in our life.  To relive our precious memories and see how our family has grown.  But now, I feel angst at the very thought of writing. Seeing my thoughts in print makes them so much more real.  Add it to my list of things I have to do for the first time. 

It has been a little over a month.  In some ways it feels like so much more time has past.  Our lives and our world has changed so much in these past days, how could it possibly have been only short five weeks?  In other ways, I feel like I am still stuck in the same blurry, horrific day.  And while I wish I could block it all out- every moment from that day is etched into my mind like a bad record.  Where I was and what I was doing when my phone rang, the scared voice on the other end- telling me I needed to come home immediately.  My disbelief.  The police officers in my parent’s drive way- looking at me with a vacant, knowing stare.  Sitting with my mom and sister and coming completely undone.  How can this be happening?  Like a strange scene out of a movie- where everything is in slow-motion, and every sound is amplified to grotesque proportions.  I’ve never experienced anything like this before.  And while I have always thought of myself as living life to the fullest and experiencing everything life has to offer- I find myself now cycling through the most intense emotions I have ever experienced.  It makes every other moment of my life pale in comparison. It is all so real- so raw.

Everywhere I look I see my dad.  He was such a magnanimous part of my life.  I hear his voice and all of his silly phrases with virtually everything I do.  Sometimes it makes me smile, or laugh out loud.  But most of the time, it catches me, and I feel my eyes well up with tears.  If I am around a group of people, I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying- but when I am alone I don’t even bother. 

I have so many wonderful memories that I hope I can someday pull it together to write about.  What I don’t have is any regrets.  Only a deep sadness that I have lost a man who meant the world to me.